Three cubic acres of money: EPL Preview 2007-2008

I used to watch Ducktales when I was a kid, because Ducktales was the tits. Scrooge McDuck, among other things, was rich, and we’re talking Roman Abramovich-rich here, and kept a great deal of personal fortune in The Money Bin, a large building of allegedly three cubic acres of trinkets, into which he would ever so often swim, like so:

This is more or less what involvement in the Premiership has boiled down to this summer. Mid-level players on the rosters of poor mid-table teams everywhere suddenly became primed and ready for a long descent into a rockstar-esque drug habit that won’t affect their game, because after the first two weeks they’ll just be spending it all on the bench anyways.

Three of the Big Four cracked into the Money Bin and made it rain. Chelsea doing what we’ve come to expect by now, was actually overshadowed by the Manchester and Liverpool sprees, though they came away with the lightning-fast Florent Malouda and Bolton’s Tal Ben Haim, along with last seasons dark horse hero in Steve Sidwell, and Jose Mourinho will still have a defense full of holes to plug as the injuries strike again. I fully intend to hear him whine at some point this season about how “Chelsea just can’t compete with clubs who spend exorbitant amounts of money to bring in players like United and Liverpool have”, which is just horrifying to think about as an actual comment that could come out of his mouth. With a healthy Joe Cole this year, they’ll be kickin’ it pretty if they can avoid the attrition that killed them last year.

Liverpool, spending money simply to prove that they could, got Fernando Torres at a deal that all but included a handjob for Atletico president Enrique Cerezo, and Dutch winger Ryan Babel in a move that made way too much sense for Rafa Benitez to have instigated it. He’s also claimed that Gerrard will have more opportunities to play in his preferred middle role this season, to which all I can say is, ABOUT FUCKING TIME. I see them being better than last season in terms of style and authority with their wins - they won’t be hanging on much, but I still see Torres as the only standout of a supposedly “four-headed” strike force which includes the two worst strikers from last years Kop and a new transfer past his prime.

There were three little clubs to jump up into the Country Club style of transfers this year, who in keeping with the theme I will affectionately refer to as Huey, Dewey, and Louie.

Newcastle bought everything Big Sam could muster except the full-backs they desperately need, which should entertain me to no end as the season goes on and he gets fatter and angrier. I’m hoping for an eventual explosion a la Violet Beauregard. I don’t actually know what a healthy Michael Owen or Obafemi Martins look like, so I’m leaving them out of this analysis. West Ham got a new Icelandic sugar-daddy in the midst of last seasons tailspin and actually look to be one of the more improved lineups in the league, picking up Bellamy to anchor a strike team and pirating away some excellent pace and leadership in Freddy Ljungberg, who figures to see a revitalization after recovering from some nagging injuries and playing the key role that had slipped away from him at Arsenal, and I think big things will come with Dean Ashton and Scott Parker this season as well - don’t expect another barely-legal last-day escape from them to be necessary.

The Manchesters were not to be left out of the English lack-of-business-sense-bonanza, the newly financed City buying people that don’t matter, and the incumbent champions buying people they don’t need. City is now fueled by the tremendous spending power of a Thai war criminal who recently found himself with the free time to get involved with football due to a military coup that left him no longer prime minister. I can see Rolando Bianchi making some marks for City, because Goddamn does that team need someone who can find the net, but I don’t really see the holistic transformation Erikkson claims is about to happen - they’ll be flirting with the bottom again.

I must be the only one who’s not rushing to get in line for blowing Owen Hargreaves - when Man U started pursuing him, they had a serious gap in the middle to fill following Roy Keane’s departure, but last season I don’t think there is anyone who will say that United lacks a solid and aggressive midfield from Giggs, Scholes and Carrick. I can’t for the life of me understand the need for the Nani/Anderson signings either, other than just scooping people up so that other teams don’t have them - I don’t look at Manchester United as being a team who was improved by leaps and bounds from last year - not that they need to, mind you, but it seems like an awfully silly place to put all that money you could have just as easily set on fire.

And speaking of Roy Keane, he leads the charge of the newcomers to the EPL. I feel like Sunderland’s got the stones to make a mark this year if they play the consistent workman’s football they did in the latter part of the Championship last season, maybe not to the degree we saw Reading do last year, but they should be able to catch a few surprises and finish out of the cellar. I personally am looking forward to them beating Tottenham for the first game of the new EPL season, so, fingers crossed.

My Arsenal homerism should be self-explanatory and expected, but even without Titi I’m seeing a good year from a team that’s getting settled into a great rhythm from the end of last season - and watch for the young’ns to pick up where we left off, and Van Persie to explode with a serious threat for the Golden Boot in front of Eduardo and Hleb trickeration in the final third.

Anyway, here’s my call for the season, so in 9 months we can all look back and laugh at me being an idiot:

1. Chelsea

2. Arsenal

3. Manchester Utd.

4. Liverpool

Relegated: Fulham, Derby, Wigan

My sleeper team to qualify for Europe: Aston Villa