Well with very little to gain from this season (at least very little within reasonable grasp), I decided to see if I could curse Arsenal for a match against Aston Villa. That’s right, I made a running blog. Now I got there late, and had to leave at halftime for my class today. This of course will NOT stop me from giving you a running commentary on that time anyways.
Pregame and warm up – As I walk out of our house I come across two ladies claiming to be spending the week in our house. My instincts told me to hand them my keys and hope that I got them back after I woke up the next morning.
Kick-off – I’m on the metro to Chinatown and some black dude is yelling at a black woman who apparently wanted just a little bit of respect. Arsenal are probably fielding a high school aged squad, with Denilson and Fabregas in the middle of the pitch and Gilberto Silva pushed into his emergency centerback position like his name is Michael Essien.
2ish minutes – By about now, Freddie Ljungberg has probably made his first bruising run down the left side (assuming thats where he’s playing) and Theo has taken on at least 4 players and gotten stuffed by them all.
4 minutes – I’ve arrived in the pub and discovered what appears to be the home team keeping the ball in their attacking half but not really taking their chances. This is a usual sight at the Emirates, but I certainly welcome other teams sharing in the Arsenal woes. I also pray these misfortunes to fall upon all English teams currently left in the Champions League.
8 minutes and 30 seconds – ABOU? Incredible. He rips a run down the left side of the field passes it off to Baptista who passes it right back. Abou takes an incredibly awful first touch to control that somehow ends up in the back of the net behind a helpless Sorensen who can only watch with split legs as the ball rolls into that forgotten corner of the net. Whoops.
11 – The Arsenal attack breaks down leading to a quick Villa counter, only to be spoiled by a Gallas clear. It was unimpressive, and does not even deserve the space I have given it here.
13 - Some pretty typical Arsenal build up here, but it amounts to nothing and Gallas has to battle Carew in our defensive third. That foul call was garbage and gives Villa a free kick which they waste. Bitches.
15 – Freddie is running around like a fuckin maniac. He’s fuckin everywhere, just not on the scorers sheet right now. Oh no… I just recognized the less than intimidating figure of Aliadiere… he just shanked one at 16 minutes between just himself and the keeper, out for a corner.
16 – Good God man, now that is a defensive clear that never leaves the box! McCann knocks the ineffective corner right back to Denilson for another. The beast is not looking beastly. He kinda blows right now.
17 – Freddie just faked out a defender from 20 feet away. I guess he didn’t want to get his eye poked or something.
19 - I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I wish that was Aliadiere instead of Baptista. God he’s fuckin slow as hell.
20 – That counter of Villa’s had it all but the tip. Just the tip, that’s all Villa needed to pull even.
22 – Why!?!?!?! Aliadiere why!?!?!
22 – Replay confirms that Aliadiere fucked that shit up himself by back-heeling the ball while on the break allowing Sorensen to collect what he wants.
23 – Mr Carew takes a dive after Djourou attempts to step on his shoelace, but contact occurred just outside the box, so no pk for you sir. One hell of a chance tho.
24 – And that 19 year old (the Brazilian one) takes a bullet to the ass cheeks and sends the ball out of play! Incoming corner is knocked on by the Arsenal defense and out of play for a throw.
26 – Martin O’Neill does his best impersonation of a Kop fan and throws his water bottle onto the pitch. It was a great impression as his weak arm manages to get it just about a foot onto the field.
28 – Almost half an hour into this match, it is quickly becoming an offside fiesta. Pretty soon these AR’s will be as tired from raising their arms as…. Analogy to come later.
30 – When did Arsenal get good at clearing corners… and when did Fabregas take lessons from Lampard on how to fuck up a searching pass?
31 – No offside flag this time and Jens runs out to tackle mr carew. Perhaps they should put the bitching and moaning on hold until they prove they can take advantage of an opportunity like 30 feet of green between them and the keeper.
33 – Oh fantastic. Abou Diaby hits the ground like he got a cleat to the face (see John Terry). Fuckin peer pressure. All the kids at Arsenal are getting injured, so it MUST be cool (oh oh oh! I wanna be like Henry and and the Perse too!)
34 – Well he’s back up after a few minutes with the physio and still on the pitch. Good. Last thing the Gunners need is another injured player.
36 – Well on his way to player of the match honors at half time, Diaby lays off a shittacular pass for Freddie that goes so far behind him he cant even corral it with his gigantic wang. It’s a shame too, because he was taking off on one of his trademarked diagonal runs to the goal.
38 – I retract my previous statement about Fabregas fuckin up searching balls. He’s fuckin them all up
38 – just a bit later Aston villa has 2 clear cut opportunities that are spoiled by Jens and Willie G. Such glorious back play, coupled with atrocious finishing.
39 – Jens hits the ground and we have a breather for some work from the physio. He sprays some of that spray stuff on him (wtf is that shit?) and hes back up
40 – wtf? That isn’t Manuel Almunia warming up… is that Mart Poom? Is this a good thing? Do I want this?
42 – Aliadiere does it again. This time from a marvelous Freddie cross. He heads the ball straight down… straight fuckin down and it bounces once before it reaches the goal, then it sails over the goal. Seriously man, and he even looked like a retard doin it too, jumping up and crunching his body up as if he were trying to squeeze one out.
44 – 5 bucks says Carew and Aliadiere are related. Carew is thru for a one on one with Jens again and sends it well wide.
45+ – I WANT THE PERSE! Our corners are atrocious!
45+ – Djourou better calm the fuck down or hes gonna get his second yellow.
45+ – Look at Aliadiere chase back. He may lack that thing we call “skill” or “goodness” and may have an overabundance of “sucking ass”, but he hustles. I take back some of the bad things I said about him, except all the true ones.
Half – Apparently that’s the half. A chance for Baptista to find out where he put his testicles and a chance for everyone aside from Jens, Willie G, Denilson and Abou to borrow one of Freddie’s nuts. This is also a chance for Carew to kill himself and for the assistant referees to ice up those arms. God I hope the stretched, they could pull something.
As I leave the bar I see a scoreline that implies that Chelsea is better than a very poorly managed team.
Well that ends the part of the game I watched. While sitting in my class i predicted that Djourou would score an own goal, Freddie would get a broken leg and push it back into place himself. Then he would circumcise himself and use his enormous foreskin to hold his broken leg in place before getting a the winning stoppage time goal from a William Gallas assist after he fights off the entire Aston Villa defense before owning Mellberg letting Mr. Ljungberg score a goal from midfield.
Take that Xabi Alonso!
Player of the first half honors go to William Gallas for sick nasty play in the back.
